IT, PART TWO! We All Float Down Here, Georgie!
Between the Mothman and Pennywise, @Darth_Jader_ and @northfoggy are amazed that anyone still showers. Nonetheless, join us as Young Adam (amongst our flourishing Adam collection) returns for his second appearance on the exciting conclusion of Stephen King’s IT!
How do you bust a ghost? Proton packs. How do you murder a demon clown from space? Silver pellets and inhaler mist, DUH. But we would’ve paid good money to watch Harry Anderson try to defeat Pennywise with some close-up magic; not even Batman could improve a movie to that degree.
We discover upon revisiting IT that this movie has aged so poorly, yet Pennywise still has his moments. Speaking of which, are you too afraid to Google the library scene from IT? We can help with that! Just try not to flinch when the bursting balloons splash you with blood.
That being said, ladies, it’s only acceptable to be slutty with boys who have ALSO been haunted and terrorized by a clown. The marital status of said boys is irrelevant so long as they’ve helped you clean copious amount of gore out of your bathroom sink.
Not convinced? That’s okay. Consider some lessons from IT while you ponder this epic debate:
- When your husband suddenly leaves town to “murder a clown”, that’s really just code for visiting his mistress.
- Be sure to keep the T.A.R.D.I.S meter running when you’re revisiting traumatic memories from your childhood.
- IT is the original prequel to Breaking Bad (though we doubt Saul would be very helpful in this situation).
- If you can’t get access to boobs WITHOUT climbing into a sewer, seek help immediately.
- The Deadlights are no worse than Dementors; have some chocolate and move on.
Ultimately, IT teaches us that bikes are just like clowns; they only have as much power as you grant them in your mind. That is indisputable Stephen King logic.
Our biggest issue with IT is that the Lucky 7 gathers to dispose of their worst nightmare and save the town of Derry from a scourge of child murders, but first … Chinese food. To that end, we need the fortune cookie scene to be done again with the Banana Boat song and some Calypso dancing. Hollywood? Make it so.
Seriously, though. Pennywise could have been defeated so much more quickly if the Loser’s Club included Kevin McAllister (assuming he had the proper amount of prep time).
You can’t blame the complete void of action on the Lucky 7, however. It is Pennywise who tries to outsource his murders to an unstable psychiatric patient and a Rottweiler (we may have stopped paying attention to the movie at some point).
Our official conclusion is that IT doesn’t have protagonists or antagonists…just losers. #Losersclub
But never fear, because there’s always time for a wholesome bike montage.